Today is Sunday. My alarm goes around 0930. I hit the alarm several times, eventually getting up soon after 1000. I can’t be late to church again – I need to be there to show the church plans to the kids. I recently relapsed for almost a week after helping in Sunday School so have come of the rota. On Wednesday the church warden gave me the option to not come with her to show the kids the plans, but I insisted on doing it, after all it was only going to be for 10 minutes and I wouldn’t be the leader for the session. In the last 24 hours I started to worry about the effect it might have on my mental health and I text the church warden from under the covers – to see if she can show them the plans without me, but crossed wires means I end up agreeing to do it with her still. Recently I seem to be consistently late to church as getting up out of bed is such a struggle. My anxiety is usually at its highest as I get up. I get there 10 – 15 minutes late, but thankfully before the kids go out to Sunday School. We are currently meeting in our hall while we think about changing the inside of the church.  We go out with the kids, walk them around the church to tell them what the plans are. I tell them to come to me during the coffee to write down their comments. We slip back into church – once again I’ve missed most of the sermon…last week I missed most of the sermon cos I arrived 25 minutes late!!

Over coffee I try to catch most of the kids, offering them the opportunity to comment on the plans. A few people ask me how I am, but I’m distracted so just say I’m fine. My close friend talks to me – I am anxious and agitated, I don’t feel right. She can tell I’m not right. Over the last 24 hours I have been quite anxious about going into Sunday School and about my employment. I have been off work with depression and anxiety since December. My current sick note runs out soon and I am back to the GP this week. My manager is leaving in the next few weeks as well and has asked to meet for a coffee. I don’t know whether I can go back as the organisation has caused me to burnout. I’ve taken my CV into a cafe but haven’t hear anything yet. I need to apply for jobs that I can do while continuing to recover. Statutory Sick Pay only goes on for 6 months and then you have to go onto Employment Support Allowance. File on 4 recently found that 80% of people with mental health conditions get kicked off ESA, so I’m not sure I want the stress…plus people say its best to go from one job to another. I’m also anxious as there is a letter from work…I haven’t opened it yet, preferring to wait until I feel I have the resources to deal with it. Another friend offers to come home with me, just to be there when I open it. We go home – the letter is just my P60!!

I didn’t put my bed away in the rush out the door…so I get under the duvet while I have lunch and watch iplayer. I know its not good for me, and I should lie on the sofa…but I stay put. I end up watching 3 episodes of Land Girls, 3 episodes of Larkin and Dales Takeaway Revolution and 2 episodes of Inside the Factory: How are Favourite Foods are made. I know I should be doing stuff, but I’m just so tired…anxiety is so tiring… In between watching iplayer I manage to update a website, start to design event invites and type up the kids comments on the building plans. I have baked eggs and yummy bread for my dinner, too tired to cook a proper meal.

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