I got toothache last week. After 2 bad experiences with local dentists I am now registered once again with my childhood dentist. This means that I have been unable to see a dentist about my toothache yet. I had the offer of an emergency appointment last Saturday, but I already had plans and didn’t relish the cost of traveling home. Instead I booked an “emergency” appointment for tomorrow as I was already meant to be heading south to London…so the extra trip to Essex was less of an issue.

image

I write this as I am sat on a train…we depart at 1555. So late in the day, and bound to hit the London rush hour. Today I have had a major lie in, made my benefits application, showered, dressed, packed. I have packed projects to work on the train and while at home. A gift for my friend with cancer and the materials to make my goddaughters birthday present…she is the reason I was already going to London for the weekend.

The is a niggle in my mind though…why am I leaving so late, why did I take so long to drag myself out of bed…was it that I was avoiding my parents, limiting the time I spend with them? I feel awful that this may be the truth.

My dad worries about me: only in the past week he text me to say he’s worried how I will cope when he is no longer here…he worries I will end up destitute and homeless, thanks to my mental health and current government policy.

My mum on the other hand is needy. She’s an extrovert who needs people’s affirmation. She needs us to still need her, to be her babies. She fusses around, actually not helping but increasing the stress thanks to her anxieties. She can’t give us space, but needs our company every waking hour. I invited mum to visit recently – to come 1 day, go the next, that was not enough for her.

And so although I enjoy their company individually, I appear to be avoiding spending time with them. I feel guilty, and I don’t know the way forward.

Advertisements