So everyone headed back to school and work after the Christmas break, and I seemed to decline further into the sick role. Off on sick leave I planned one event a day, ensuring I wasn’t isolating myself and just spending the whole day on the sofa.

On Monday I saw my  GP at 0855 and made a number of phone calls, before collapsing on the sofa by 1030. I tried to watch a film (my GP had suggested not just limiting myself to short programmes as I could always watch in sections). I tried to watch Street-dance – not a taxing film, and only about 90 minutes, but It took me around 5 hours to watch!! A lot of the time was spent lying on the sofa, doing nothing, just watching my life tick away.

Tuesday I met a friend for coffee, although it turned into lunch. I was awful company, not very chatty, then came home and collapsed on the sofa.

Wednesday was a morning on the sofa followed by  group therapy, followed by dinner with my friend, including baby cuddles.

Thursday I had an meeting with a benefits advisor, a hair cut, a coffee and reflexology before collapsing on the sofa.

Friday i tried to complete a job application, then visited a friend and was joined by another friend and her kids, then collapsing on the sofa.

You get the picture, this is the context that this weekend falls into. A week of not doing that much, spending lots of time collapsed on the sofa. A week of not reading emails, not opening post, even exciting food and craft magazines lie on the floor unopened.

On Friday evening I realised that I had booked 3 events in for Saturday. The first a guild meeting from 1000 – 1600 with lots of people, most of which I didn’t know, or if I did know then only as acquaintances. This was followed by a Church new years party from 1600 – 1900 – making small talk, watching and taking part in entertainment. Then a quiet cuppa with a friend. 2 out of the 3 were long events with large numbers of people. I had only been doing 1 activity a day with a couple of people and only for a couple of hours. I was a bit concerned as I went to bed. However my subconscious must have felt very anxious about it, I eventually fell asleep after 0430 after focusing on listening to an audio-book about cycling around Ireland!!

I gave up the idea of getting to guild in the morning, the goal post moving, first to in time for the talk, then for lunch, finally just to arrive in time for the AGM. I had such a massive struggle to drag myself out of bed but I arrived just in time for the AGM. I had a lovely time, with warm and welcoming people. I wondered why I had been worrying.

From there I went to the church do. I was so grateful for out kids. They crowded the table I sat on and made gentle conversation with me, a couple of really safe adults also sat and kept me company at different points in the evening. I picked at the food. Lots of space on my plate. Then the ‘entertainment’ started. It was mortifying. First play your cards right, followed by a quiz, then singing the 12 days of Christmas with actions. By the time we got to the singing, I had had enough, trying to decided at various times whether I could walk out, I instead zoned out and headed onto twitter. Thankfully the party finished a bit early.

My friend didn’t want me to come early, so I went to a supermarket to get my God-daughters birthday present. I walked up and down all the aisles, looking for bargains. I found lots of Christmas craft kits for very cheap. (TW) Walking through the car section, a brief though of what would happen if I was to buy some of the fluids on offer and drink it, flit through my mind. Back in the car, tears came as I sat in my car, apologising to my friend by text that I was now late and lousy company. We had a cuppa and a lovely catch up. She was really understanding.

I slept fine Saturday night, but by Sunday couldn’t face the idea of going to my church, a church where for months I haven’t got anything out of the worship or the teaching. Having been brought up going to church, the idea of not going when at home is unthinkable. Therefore I decided to visit a church that I had wanted to visit for a long time. I got to sit with a friend, and knew about a third of the congregation. The worship was much more to my taste, I loved it and was really encouraged by it, in fact had I been less unwell I would have been dancing!! I loved the prophetic – something my church doesn’t give much room for. The picture they shared, felt like if was just for me. Bowed down and empty, God filling and helping them to stand. I cried through most of the worship and sharing of prophetic words. I understood and took in at least 25% of the sermon. I felt invisible that morning when I awoke, but about 5 different people I knew came up to welcome me and say hello!! They said not to go without getting prayed for if you felt the picture was for you, but I was scared to ask, and the people I would have asked were busy. Consequently a friend of mine ended up praying for me in the coffee time!! She had a wonderful picture for me, demonstrating God’s timing.

I went to the supermarket, figuring walking around a supermarket is a novel way of doing some exercise. Just as I was leaving, some friends from my church appeared and we had a brief chat. Later, back on the sofa, watching trashy TV, I get a Facebook message, “Are you ok?”. I am honest about being poorly.

Sunday night I sleep badly again, falling asleep around 0200, anxious about meeting my friend, the closer someone is, the more I want to push them away at the moment.

If you’ve got to the end thank you, but mostly this is written so that when I am well I can see just how bad things have been