I haven’t been to my church for a month now. Yet I haven’t missed a week of ‘church’, I haven’t fallen out with anyone at my church and I have been in regular contact with my clergy, home group and friends. So why have I been avoiding my church??

As I have written over the last few posts, I haven’t been feeling very well over the last few months since my GP suggested coming off my antidepressants. Over the last 4 weeks, I’ve been to 6 different churches with 5 different friends.

I guess in one sense I want to hide, to go where I am fairly anonymous, where people won’t ask me how I am in a public and big group context.

Also over the summer we joined with another church to worship. I love the people at this other church, they are very hospitable and I know them pretty well. It is also the parish church for where I live and therefore much easier and quicker to walk to. But it’s not my church. It’s not my church building. Going there is a diluted version (and therefore a less safe version) of my church family. 

Finally, and for me I feel the main reason, it’s just not accessible for me when I feel ill. It is not my perfect variety of church, but it’s where I believe I’ve been placed, it’s my family and I love that its local, but it is so frustrating a lot of the time. When I’m unwell I want to go to a church where I can worship in a modern style with space for the Holy Spirit, not having to trudge through hymns at the start and the end, with a modern bit in the middle. I need a sermon I can understand and engage with. Not just words, but something visual, a PowerPoint, props, interactive. Not big theological words I don’t understand. Practical teaching, not theories in theology. The last time I went to my church, I just went through the motions. 

So what is the plan for next week…I’ve been asked to babysit for a church family on Saturday with the opportunity to sleep over…so I can’t see how I can get out of going to my church with them next Sunday!!