Today I went to a training day about healing through Christian prayer.I don’t think I learnt anything new, but it was great to pray for others, see people healed and get prayed for.

However as someone who has always had chronic health conditions it has left me disappointed with God. Why doesn’t he heal me? I’m not even asking to be healed of complicated emotional illness – depression, just the easy physical conditions – eczema, hay fever, asthma, allergies. Why doesn’t he hear me. Am I invisible to Him? Why do I get to pray for others, but when people pray for me nothing happens, usually I don’t feel a thing. 

Don’t get me wrong, I believe God heals. I believe we should pray for people to be healed regardless of the results we see. I believe we should pray for healing in the church, but also in the workplace, the street, the school gate, the cafe and pub. I hear stories of healing and know them to be true. I see people being healing in front of me at Christian events. But why does he heal them…but not me. 

Perhaps I don’t have enough faith…disappointment at nothing happening before errodes my faith, not that he has the power to heal me, just that he doesn’t want to heal me. A normal, everyday nobody. Perhaps he heals everyday nobodies, but me, well he just doesn’t seem to see me. 

Perhaps its that deeply hidden sin, blocking my healing. That’s right, heap more shame on me, a nobody, alone, invisible, useless….but now I digress as I allow the tapes lead me to a pity party.

Perhaps I’m scared of being healed, losing my crutch, my identity, maybe I actually don’t really want to be healed, so God doesn’t.

I know we’re in the now and not yet. I know that in heaven there will be no more sickness, but what about my reality now. I know my atopy isn’t that big a deal or debilitating…but do you know what a hassle putting creams on daily is?

I’m fed up of praying for others, giving someone a word of encouragement, hearing God for others (and myself). If only the whole body was at work, ministering to each other. 

So I ask you to play your part in the body, so us active parts, don’t get worn out, tired and discouraged.

And God – to you I ask – WHY?

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