I’m coming to the conclusion that large numbers of people I don’t know intimidate me.

Tonight I went to small group. Small as in 4 – the vicar and his wife, plus 1 half of another couple plus me. Tonight we had 3 extra people – 1 who’s been a few times before and I’m starting to relax having there, and 2 others. Still not big but in a setting that’s meant to be safe and supportive, the safety left the group.  Individually I know them all a little and they are all nice, but together, they’re all chatty and confident. The 4 (excluding me/vicar and his wife) all hang out together cos of their kids, so they’ll talk about stuff that I’ve not been involved with and people they know. I feel left out. I feel like anything i say is not good enough, not valid, the noisy ones get to talk, no one asks me what I think, even if I start to comment and it gets drowned out, no one comes back to me. I’m corrected. My phone goes off – I swear I’d turned it off…goes of twice – vicar tells me to turn it off. Useless, failure, loser, disruptive influence. Why do confident chatty people exclude, rather than include others? Tonight I almost felt like walking out, I’m tired, I’m silent,  just a waste of space and an extra bit of washing up.

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