Taking part in this project highlighted to me what a difference a few months makes. In November I was on annual leave, but was still working. Now in February I am on sick leave, have been since mid December after becoming progressively more and more depressed. That week in November helped to keep me in work for an extra week or so.
I woke up at 1000. Impressed my body has become used to 1100 appointments and woke me at 1000. I snooze until 1130. I get up, washed and dressed. For once I find clothes to wear easily. It is now a struggle to decide what to wear in the morning, and I avoid choosing by wearing the same clothes for a few days. The reason is two-fold – I put weight on last year from stress at work, clothes in the cupboard, don’t always fit, (and now being on Mitazipine won’t help) the other reason is my depression.
My friend is coming for lunch, but I have time to wash up and put the bin out before she arrives. She is an amazing Christian Lady who also suffers with depression. She has told me not to tidy up for her, and she brings lunch!! Home-made soup and ciabatta bread. She makes the lunch and serves it. She has bought enough that I have a portion for another meal. She understands, she’s been there, she is so thoughtful. We have a catch up, we talk about depression, we talk about cancer!! She has cancer, she has just been diagnosed. I try to give her the room to talk as much or as little as she wants. She comments on the stark difference in the response from her cancer, than to her depression. She already has offers of meals and it was only shared in the church pray email yesterday!!
After she goes to do the school run, I spend a couple of hours distracted by twitter, I follow General Synod, and have a conversation with a vicar. At the weekend I tweeted – why am I here, and was amazing that this vicar replied – “To reach out to others who struggle with their faith? I for one am better off for your presence here.” Twitter is a supportive community, and you never know who reads your tweets and how they can impact people. Finally getting off twitter, I then find myself distracted by Facebook. I have a catch up chat on Facebook to an old friend.
I fancy roast potatoes, and am proud to say I managed to convince myself that chopping up some veg to roast in the oven was no harder than boiling some pasta. I have some roast beef out of the freezer (thanks mum) with Roast Potatoes, Carrots and Parsnips. I’m proud of myself, I don’t always manage to cook and several nights a week pop round to have dinner at friends houses.
I have a long tearful chat with my mum. I normally talk to my parents at least once a week, but haven’t managed to over the last few weeks. It just feels hard work to ring. I tell my mum I have felt suicidal recently – I think that shocked her. When I say suicidal, I mean, the only solution is to not be here, but I have no idea how to make that happen.
I try to watch ‘A Chef Abroad’ on iplayer, but my concentration is so poor and I’m easily distracted so I keep having to rewind and watch again. Anything over 60 minutes is not worth trying, and 60 minutes viewing is a struggle. A few weeks ago it took me 5 hours to watch StreetDance!!
I have been inspired by someone tweeting a photo of a giant granny square blanket. I am determined to start tonight and I manage it. I am going to use up lots of my acrylic yarn stash, and have a blanket from this episode of ill health. I love crochet, it is a great way to keep my hands busy while giving my brain a rest, but it takes motivation to pick up, and starting a project is the hard bit.